you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
