I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
