I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
