Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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