I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
