It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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