I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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