More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
