Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
