Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
