Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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