I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
