i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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