I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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