My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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