I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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