I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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