I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
