I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
