I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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