I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
