just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
