so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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