My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
