I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
