Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Boobs are out for the taking
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
