my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
