she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
