i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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