I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
