Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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