A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
