He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
