What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
