the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
