Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
