totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
