I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
