you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
