so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
