There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
