You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
