he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Sorry about my life...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
