This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
