I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
