My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
