you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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