so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I see more hoeing in ur future
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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