the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I have so many feelings about this burrito
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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