dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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