Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
